My best friend recently moved to Arizona and I know I should be happy for her, I am, but I also am not. I probably shouldn't make this about me but there has been a lot of goodbyes that happened in a short amount of time. The infamous ex boyfriend who broke up with me then ghosted me, my therapist who went on materinity leave, and my best friend who moved to Arizona. Although, the feelings of abandonment is much deeper than the recent, in the course of a week my best friend leaving and countertransference stirred up my childhood wounds. The deep seeded abandonment I experencienced at tweleve when my mom left (and then later came back when I was eighteen). An overwhelming collective moment of feeling like, "everyone leaves me, what is wrong with me?" When we zoom out logically it makes sense (well most of it), it's not my therapists fault for getting pregnant (well maybe it is) and my best friend moving to further pursue her career, both are exciting new chapters and well life.
But what about me?
Yes, Arizona is only a couple hours drive, and my therapist is coming back (hopefully).
I know the "what is wrong with me?" is a cognitive distortion as a result of deep rooted trauma, (a work in progress) that is triggered given the current circumstances. But it made me think of dating, it is apparent attachment plays a major role. I recognized a pattern, the guys who want to date me I am not interested in, but the guys, the guys who don't want to date me, those are the ones that have my utmost interest.
Is it the game of cat and mouse that I like? Is it the challenge? It is a result of the abandonment? Is it the back and forth?
I may never know.
What I do know is that my best friend was the first person I became friends with when I moved to Orange County. Someone who has been constant, even in the times we fought, broke up, had different opinions, and didn't always agree with one another's choices. Someone who I am proud of and beyond grateful for. A friendship that is ubreakable and special. She is someone I can always count on.
So, cherish every moment you have in relationships and friendships you never know when one will ghost, get pregnant, or move to a different state.
It looks like I'll be driving to Arizona a lot this year.
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