I was talking to my therapist about the infamous break up and how it was a clear cut break up without a clear cut answer and wanting the decency of a clear cut answer even if that means him telling me he will never love me, I was too much, too independent. Just about anything that would really hurt. I have spent about a month debating on reaching out. As I began to explain the separate parts of thought that exist within my mind that have been fueling this torturous war, it became apparent that they hear one another, but aren’t actually communicating. One side the cognitive that understands all the implications why I shouldn’t reach out and is able to logically make sense of it all while the emotional side desperately wants to reach out. It’s like a game of pickle and the merging of the two is the one stuck in the middle. I attempted to argue that they are in fact communicating with one another, but when she asked me, I had no evidence of said communication. I realized just how much arguing I’ve been doing… with my therapist, my mom, my dad, and myself. After a phone call with my mom today she said if he loved me or wanted to be with me, nothing would stand in his way.
As I’ve sat and thought about it, he gave me the answer all along I have just been refusing to accept it. Or maybe it is my answer.
Here’s to acceptance.
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