Blogs are interesting, a place us writers find comfort in being able to process our thoughts, feelings, and emotions for the most part anonymously. Someone recently said to me, "who has blogs anymore?" For some, they are not popular nor "do people actually read them"....
But, I have been aware and fully engaged in a game between two. The truth is for quite some time, I read their blog and they read mine, and quite frankly it has been a game I have been open to playing, until recently.... Until the anonymity was unsheathed, apparent, and warranted a response.
First, it is important to address that the love we had was truly beautiful and better than any love story written. It was ours. A love so powerful that not only accepted eachothers flaws but found beauty in them. A love that invested an immense amount of time understanding, accepting, and deepening. A love that neither of us believed existed or would ever have thought to be possible for either of us. Two black sheeps had found on another.
These two black sheeps had their own secrets and trauma but ones that ultimately would demand to destroy. The one who struggled with addiction.
[This isnt to kick the shit out of you while you are down it is simply part of the story]
It did eventually outweigh and overshadow the love that was once shared. It changed me completely, It excelerated the known therapist pursuit, traits and instincts deeply embedded, the innate but not yet anticipated motherly role, and introduced an investigative and detective character that cruelly exasperated the anxiety already present. It had completely and entirely engulfed our relationship and love. But I had believed, we had believed, that our love could withstand anything including the 4 years of on and off again addiction out of the 6.
Until it didn't.
So yes, I looked for love in other places, do you blame me? Before getting to the place of not being together and after decisions of, "wallow and tear my life apart" you tore your life apart and mine, prior to the seperation.... There is a little splash of blame or shame in statements of the quickness in me looking, "many dates, several relationships feeling easily replaceable". And while I have full authority, I was also at times given permission. And yes you address that it started with you that if you hadn't torn your life and mine I would not have gone searching....but it feels a little wiped by the hint of shame previously stated.
It's a little shocking to hear that the pain stems from me falling madly in love....when love has been a constant. I have so much love to give, to those who do not deserve it, to those who do, I feel pretty confident in saying most everything I do is with love. Am I human? Yes, and do I sometimes f*** up? Yes, but I can genuinely say I am a selfless loving person. While a lot of the time the love I have to give and offer ends in pain I do not want pity. Life isn't fair, humans are innately selfish beings, and I would rather love and give love than to never love at all or live in fear.
There is some anger and resentment, it may just be over powered by sympathy or maybe entirely directed at self but it is there and it is not pathetic. It does not need to be the cross you bear or die on. Sometimes the people we fall in love with even if they hurt us we still yearn for them. That is the human experience.
As a therapist I agree that the mourning and grief process is crucial and it takes time but I also think you should get out there and sleep with someone. Everyone knows I did. And your sponsor is right and you can hold the two to be true, date, experience, and whatever happens and is meant to be, will be. Ultimately God is in control. The biggest thing in these statements it that it is up to you to decide and when you are ready. I am truly glad you have been recently pursued and asked on dates and I think you should go on them. Not that you need my permission but I am giving it to you. Holding onto hope can be tortourous, it feels like you are going crazy living in a delusional past. Not that my advice or insights make it any better especially given the subject.
But driving past my house, wondering what I am doing, won't help it'll drive you even more crazy as I am sure you already know. Again who am I to say any of this? This is your process and when YOU are ready you will let go of the hope, no longer wonder, and look for love in other places.
But for a moment let's be honest, we are both writers, we both have blogs, did you post and really think I wouldn't see it? Maybe you are more shocked that I responded or that is exactly what you were hoping for, who knows...
In no means is this to hurt you, or "make fun of you" there has been enough hurt between the two, it felt like it warranted a response.
It is not that you are disposable the chapters of the book ended. So the game between two ends with this.
I know....actually I don't know if you need to hear this but I am going to say it anyways, I forgive you. I forgive you, and you are free. You deserve happiness, you deserve love all in your own time. We all do.
And if it did hurt, we all are a special kind of f*cked up I guess.
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